Here is where one can find entries from before this website. There's only a few but I was in a dark headspace when i wrote them. I was never usually the type to write down my feelings because it always felt kinda dumb. But i wrote these so that says something to me.
I feel like shit. I feel so alone. I'm going through w/drawals and I feel so emotional. I think i'm depressed. (It is a symptom.) I stayed home from school because I felt weak. I was supposed to pick up my little sister from her babysitter's house @ 2 something. It totally slipped my mind.
My mom I never heard my phone ring. My mom knows I smoked weed once and she thinks i've done it more times. She asked how could I forget, "What was I doing?". I've been bawling for 10 minutes while trying to finish some stupid homework. I just feel so alone. Even though I know I have people who care for me. (Like Dulce) I just don't know what's happening. I am NOT an emotional person like this. I wanted to cry earlier too for no fucking reason. I don't know what's going on! I've never cried so much I can't even remember the last time I cried. Why can't I just be a good person? Or a hippie? I wish I was an actual hippie. They don't care what others think of them. They know what they believe in. THAT'S a real desire for peace. I know other's have even worse problems than me, but now that it's my turn to feel like shit, I can't let go. Usually I can get over things quickly, but i'm still crying. My mom is mad and probably doesn't trust me, my sister is worried about other stupid kid stuff (despite her seeing me cry), my dad doesn't even call, and I won't bother others because of my problems. I have my best friend Dulce, Jasie, Alejandro, Avi, Elizabeth, Giselle, and more. But i WILL NOT bother others. I just don't feel like socializing w/ anyone right now. To top it all off, school isn't making it any easier. I have so much work to worry about+college apps, SAT's, graduation credits, AND I have a job. I feel like it's a mess. I feel weak. All of this is NOTHING compared to others, but I am really going through it. What is nothing to others is all to me. I can't stop thinking about hippies. I really want to be one. I promote peace and positivity, but sometimes it's hard and if you can't fully commit, are you even part of it? I don't even know if i'm myself. I don't know who I am or want to be. Realizing these things makes me feel worthless. What can I even do for the world? I don't know. I wish I could always be alone and not worry about others. In reality I kind of care what people think. I need to learn to not care. Soon i'll be a hippie without trying. At least I know I want that. To live free. Is there something wrong with me? Is there honestly something wrong w/ me? I don't know. I have always thought there's something wrong w/ me. Why can't I be around only loving and caring people? There's so much negativity surrounding me. That is why I can't fully be myself. AmI even going to do anything w/ my life? Will I get anywhere? Why does there have to be so many things to worry about? I've been crying for 40 min. now. A record. I don't know what's going on. Is it the withdrawals? Probably. Depression is a symptom. I feel like NO ONE will get me because these are petty things. Is this the part of my life that is hard to get through? I don't know. I always try to think of peace because it just brings me back to the hippies. That's my motivation as of this moment. I just need a cleanse. I need to get rid of everyone except for the important people. I need to meet good and fully positive people. Hippies. Again. I need old soul hippie friends. I feel ridiculous writing this but then again no one's going to see it so @ least I can be exactly myself on here. Am I a bad person for thinking about myself? I feel like it. This is the third fifth time I come back to write in here. I hope i'm not a bad person.(a marker.)
5:39PM - I talked to my mom(texted her) and she said it's okay because it's the first time it ever happened but she asked me to be responsible.
I feel SO much better. I still want to be a hippie though.
Going to school today was kinda tough. I know i'm emotional and I don't know what will set me off. This is a completely new feeling to me. About 5 or maybe even more people asked me if I was okay. But what do you say to that? Every time people ask, I want to cry. I was sitting w/ Dulce @ break time. I didn't wanna talk about it at school because I knew i'd cry. But I couldn't help myself. I started bawling and after being best friends for about 3-4 years, this is the second or third time she's ever seen or/and heard me cry. I let everything out right there. She just listened. That's exactly what I needed. I didn't want her to ask questions. I just needed her to listen. I know she cares and worries for me, but I feel like i'm ruining everything. Like i'm a bad person. A bad friend. Depression is such an awkward topic. I told Jasy because I actually confide in her, and we hangout often. She didn't say much. I could tell she didn't know how to react. It was really hard not to cry in front of Dulce. I just feel like a bad, selfish person. I can't tell anyone really. I thought I could trust Liz, but there's just something about her that makes me not want to tell her something like this. the worst part is that people can tell i'm not being myself. So many things happened today that I want to talk about, but I don't have time. I have to go to work.
Yesterday I wanted to write more. I couldn't though because I had work and I just never got to it. Anyways, yesterday Dulce told me that I lost weight, but I didn't believe it. It's only been a couple days. But I guess I haven't been eating well. Yesterday going to work actually made my day a lot better. I didn't feel sad pretty much the whole time. After work
my mom picked we went to Target to buy pretty much just pads. We also went to Jack in the Box and I ate good. Better than other days anyways. I made plans with Alex to go watch Emily's quince video. (Finally after a year and a half.) One thing that made my day kind of suck was that on our way out of Jack, I let the door go and it hit my mom. I felt like such a terrible person. Things are normal between us but she will never forget I smoked weed that one time. ---- Yesterday I was weak. I got high again. I know I shouldn't have, but I thought it would be fine since I hadn't done it in a week. But the high sucked. Which is good because now I don't want to do it as much. I don't want to tell anyone though because they'll think i'm addicted. That I can't go without it. But I can. I just wanted to do it. Not anytime soon though. YesterdayI had to present in English, and I really didn't want to. We had to present our mandalas, and I was shaking a lot. I was really nervous. I already felt like I had done it wrong. It didn't help that she only said "Great" after my presentation when she would say that others' mandalas were beautiful and whatnot. On the upside, I was one of the few that she remembered our name. She knew my name.
NEW THOUGHTS ABOUT BOBBY
we are friends, we have been for a while. i had a consistent crush on him for like two years. junior year i decided i would just date him if the opportunity ever even came. i kinda knew he was a sexual person so yea that's something. during the summer in july-ish i was @ a quince with Dulce and we were high affff ; at this time Bobby and i had been like just having little conversations sometimes just to check in on him and stuff. so i had been thinking about him a lot but i knew i didn't have a crush on him. the reality is he's not someone i see myself dating. i see us being friends though. anyways, that day when we went home Dulce came along. i was really feeling horny @ this point so i was kind of debating whether i should hit him up and see what would happen. i asked Dulce if i should hit him up and she insisted i should. i was debating because if he said no it could've ruined our friendship but that's where my knowledge was useful. i knew he was a super sexual person, he was SUPER chill about that kind of stuff. i know he fucked one of my friends Ari and apparently the sex was amazing and, well.. kinky. i finally hit him up. luckily for me, when i hit him up, he was drunk. it was the perfect scenario. i was already super high, but i just hit him up casually and eventually just went for it. i asked if it was weird that i wanted him. he said it wasn't weird because he'd let me suck his dick and we'd still be friends. we were on the same page and so that was my key in. he wanted clarification on which way i wanted him though. so i said in a sexual way obviously. he just said he didn't want this to be something that was gonna fuck with my emotions because he didn't have an actual crush on me. it was fine because i didn't either. at this point i knew that we would remain friends no matter what happened on this night + he was drunk so that made this even easier for me. i brought up that i kind of wanted to fuck him. basically i had in mind we could just sext. eventually he said he liked my ass and that's where it all began. throughout this night, we were so into it. mind you this began at like 12 or 1 in the morning or so and ended at like 3ish. i told him i wanted to fuck him but i wasn't sure if it would ever actually happen because i was kinda nervous. i'm not a virgin but i've only had sex once so it's kinda like the same. but i guess that's what the drugs do. anyways, he was telling me a lot of details and wow what a night. pictures were exchanged. i remember the first dick picture i received (which was from Bobby obviously) was of him grabbing his hard cock through his boxers. it's six inches. there were videos too, can't forget those. it was truly just such an eventful night. i don't know if he was SUPER into it but i definitely was. i mean, he seemed into it but in reality who knows. he WAS drunk though. eventually he sent me a cum video and that was the end.. of that night. after that we kind of stopped talking for a little bit. i saw him about a month later at school on registration day. i was high again. i knew we were still friends but i didn't know if it would be weird or awkward if i said hello to him. i saw him and waved and he just smiled and waved back. reassurance. everything was normal. it was great. we still didn't talk for the rest of the summer. when we returned to school we woulds say hello to each other around school. he's in my college prep class so i see him there daily but i don't really say anything to him. it's only been like around five times that i've talked to him in person or interacted with him in some way since we sexted in july. i just get nervous around him. he's seen pretty much all of me and he's very intimidating because i know he's done very kinky shit and i'm a little scared of extremities. yes i like a little bit of choking or ass hitting but not crazy BDSM stuff. it's just not for me. anyways, he's good at sex and at turning me on quite quickly. only about two months ago(i think) i hit him up again because i wanted to see what would happen. he was unfortunately at a party but was drunk again. i just straight up said i wanted to see his dick and let's just say he's a good tease. he didn't send me a picture until the next morning. what a nice thing to wake up to. nothing happened though because i didn't feel like taking pussy pictures at that point. after that, i would just randomly hit him up and we'd exchange a couple pictures and that was that. but nothing close to what happened in july. i'm kinda bad at sexting because he's the first person i've ever sexted with and i don't wanna seem weird. i'm sure he knows but he's very accepting and nice and chill and cool and fun so he still goes along w me. i feel like one day he's gonna tell me he doesn't wanna be friends anymore and then who am i gonna sext? what am i gonna do? and we won't be friends so that's a little worse. i think about him a lot. i'm always debating if we're on good terms but it's all in my head because we always are. i also hope he never thinks i have a crush on him because then he won't want to continue and i have a crush on Macks which is like a whole other story. they're like obsessive thoughts which is embarassing, but i can't help it. yesterday i hit him up and he vomited pills so he wasn't feeling well. he said yes at first but then said "wait a sec" and told me what happened. it was fine because i've declined his offer maybe like two or three times because i wasn't in the mood at the time. i just sent him an ass pic so he could "feel better" and he said 'xoxo' like always. there were some red bumps on my ass because i shaved so hopefully that doesn't make him never want to hit me up again. but this has been a great experience, truly. let's hope it lives on. the funny thing is no one knows about this. literally only three of my closest friends. Candy, Abbie, and my ex co-worker Angel. i wonder if Bobby has told anyone
i don't wanna post this on my private instagram because then i don't wanna share all my feelings on social media, but i feel like i'm fat. i feel like my style sucks. i feel like i'm ugly. straight up. it's like a void. an empty void. despite all the people i know telling me that they love my style or that i'm pretty, i just don't believe it 100%. of course i have my good days, but i don't truly love myself as much as others might think i do. i get people that tell me that they love my confidence and what not, but they don't know the truth. i hide that because i don't wanna bring negativity to the table. i don't want people's pity, truthfully. i just feel like i suck. like my mental health is slowly getting worse. i'm scared to put on weight because i don't want to feel fatter. i feel like people hate or dislike me, even people i've never talked to. simply because i overthink stuff i guess. it's normal to overthink but it just sucks. it really sucks. there's been times where i think, if i left no one would care. it sounds suicidal but i know deep down i wouldn't kill myself. i've never had thoughts like that before, barely now. it's only happened about three times though when i'm having bad days or bad moments. i don't harm myself or anything i never have. i never feel or have felt the need to, it's just not for me. i get over things pretty quickly too so maybe that plays into it as well. sometimes i worry about my future. like what if i end up not knowing what i wanna do. what will i do with my life. i wish i believed in myself more. i've always struggled with that actually. since elementary school teachers would tell me i should believe in myself more. it's just hard. i'm just typing this out as a little stress reliever i guess. i'm not stressed but i struggle sometimes and i just got into it in here. whatever. goodbye.